This article is going to talk about spotting red flags from a dating relationship perspective. Red flags are warning signs to approach with caution and to slow things down. It may even tell you that there’s danger ahead, and that you should turn around and leave the situation before it becomes a real heartache. We all know friends or contacts who are in those “bad relationships.” Their boyfriend or their girlfriend doesn’t treat them well, and yet they still stay in the relationship much longer than they should have? What happened? They missed the red flags early on, or even worst, they chose to ignore them. mykindredlife
This was Ally’s situation. She had gotten out of a really bad relationship over 6 months ago. She swore off dating for a while, especially since she was so busy working as a civil defense attorney at a firm she’s been working at for a year and a half. She hopes to make partner in 3 to 4 years. She didn’t want another broken heart to de-rail her from accomplishing that aspiration, as the last relationship almost did. She wanted to heal from relationship heartbreak, but it didn’t mean she wanted to stay out of the dating arena forever.
As a matter of fact, Ally often goes out with her friends for happy hour, and they’ve heard her story. The heartbreak, the disrespect, the relationship was one-sided where she did all the giving. He did all the taking. He was never there for her. She had hoped to find the right relationship, and after a couple years, get married and settle down. The finding part proved to be a much greater challenge than she thought.
She vaguely remembered a thought that her friend said to her the other night. “Ally, you date different men, but they are all the same disrespectful, emotionally unavailable, taker type of men. Why do you keep dating the same kind of men?” She thought about her friend’s comment, but then immediately brushed it off. “This is different. I wouldn’t be so strongly attracted to him if he were one of those rude jerks.”
How many times have we seen this happen to a close friend? Have we ever been in that place before too? There are always red flags we can spot that tells us we should proceed with caution. Even in friendships, we need to be watching for those red flags. All healthy relationships are give and take if they are mutually rewarding. So here are 6 tips to watch for to recognize red flags.
1. During conversations, there is no genuine interest in learning more about you. They don’t ask you questions in order to learn about you. Most of the conversation revolves around themselves. Here’s a good way to measure; when you go out to eat, if you are finished with your meal, and your companion has the majority of his food on his plate, who’s doing most of the talking? You can then evaluate the content of what they are saying. Is it all about themselves? Did they ask you questions about you? diagnozujmy
2. Examine how they treat others while you are with them. If you are out to eat, are they rude to the wait staff? Is there a difference between how they treat you and others around them? If there is an inconsistency between you and others around you, this is a red flag. While they might treat you like royalty at first and mistreat others around you, eventually this behavior will be directed at you. We’re all on our best behavior early on in a relationship, but eventually who we are before we enter a relationship will come out, whether it is good, bad or ugly.
3. Complaints about their ex with a victim mentality theme. It’s one thing to talk about previous relationships we were in once the relationship has been getting deeper and more settled. It’s another thing to hear your first or second date venting about all the things their ex did to them. Are they owning up to their part in the relationship falling apart as well? Hmm, might be a good idea to thank your date for the meal, but they are clearly demonstrating they still need to process their pain from their previous relationship. They are not ready to date you.
4. Too much too soon early on. Not only is it a red flag to vent about an ex early on in dating, but to spill too much highly vulnerable information about yourself. I once heard a story of this woman who went out on a first date with a man who had shown intense interest in her for a while. She was interested at first too. On their first date, he came half drunk, and talked a lot about previous sexual escapades. He shared that he had sex with so many women that he had lost count. She was stunned and disappointed, because she already knew he would treat her no differently than the number of women he lost count of. Needless to say, she saw the red flags and said no thank you. She dropped him pretty quickly when she realized she would have entered an extremely toxic relationship.
5. Smothering, Overly Needy or Controlling Behavior. It’s always exciting when you begin dating. We can’t wait till he or she calls! We’re elated when we start texting affectionate messages in between times we see each other. We daydream of that person, and sometimes are caught in a reverie with a silly grin on our face thinking of that other person. We’re flattered when we get texts asking what we’re doing. If we start getting 10-20 texts asking where we are, what what we’re doing or who we are with, at first it’s nice having someone curious about our day. When it’s too much, its a red flag for possible insecurities that haven’t been settled yet within your potential love interest. If they want to be with you all the time, and you are unable to get things done in your life, take some caution. It might be a good time to have a conversation that you are concerned that you are moving too fast.
6. Pushing to get physical too fast too soon. It’s never a good thing when one partner is pushing the other to get physically intimate too early too soon. When the justification is that they love you or desire you, this should be a red flag to you. Love is also patient, kind, and not rude. It doesn’t demand its own way. If they love you, they should not be pushing your boundaries. Getting physical, including having sex creates a soul tie that is not easy to break. It also clouds your mind from really being able to evaluate your perspective love interest with clear vision. It also reflects that they are avoiding intimacy altogether by pushing for sex with you. This is a red flag for intimacy avoider. Don’t cloud your mind thinking that it will draw you closer. It might feel that way during the act leading up to sex and sex itself, but it will leave you lonelier than ever. Don’t be deceived by this behavior.